Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence PDF AZW3 EPUB MOBI TXT Download

A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what it takes to bring lust home.One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

Esther Perel
October 10, 2017
272 pages

File Size: 73 MB
Available File Formats: PDF AZW3 DOCX EPUB MOBI TXT or Kindle audiobook Audio CD(Several files can be converted to each other)
Language: English, Francais, Italiano, Espanol, Deutsch, chinese

“As revelatory as it is straightforward…nicely accessible…[Perel] offers the estranged modern couple a unique richness of experience.” — Publishers Weekly“Perel tells us why intimacy can feel imprisoning and how we can embrace the erotic—without leaving home. Her writing is fresh and provocative, in a class by itself.” — Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful“Her advice is refreshingly counterintuitive.” —“Mating in Captivity takes a hard line against one of the most time-honored institutions in human history: the sexless marriage…It reads like a cross between the works of Jacques Lacan and French Women Don’t Get Fat.” — The New Yorker“Mating in Captivity…articulates a poignant and unacknowledged modern crisis for the first time.” — The Evening Standard (London)“An elegant sociological study, complete with erudite literary and anthropological references.” — Daily Telegraph (London)“An academic perspective on the deterioration of sex in relationships…Perel offers insightful, progressive theories on how to put the play back into partnerships.” — Daily Record & Sunday Mail“A charming blend of wit and wisdom…this book will give you a fresh perspective on long-term love.” — Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia)“Well argued points written with considerable eloquence.” — Jerusalem Post“This is a brave book…refreshing.” — The Times Higher Education Supplement From the Back Cover One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love. About the Author Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.  Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world.  Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 30 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon that has been translated into nearly 30 languages.  Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs:  Rethinking Infidelity.  Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?  Learn more at or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.   Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Mating in CaptivityUnlocking Erotic IntelligenceBy Esther PerelHarperCollins Publishers, Inc.Copyright ©2007Esther PerelAll right reserved.ISBN: 9780060753641Chapter OneFrom Adventure to CaptivityWhy the Quest for Security Saps Erotic VitalityThe original primordial fire of eroticism is sexuality; it raises the red flame of eroticism, which in turn raises and feeds another flame, tremulous and blue. It is the flame of love and eroticism. The double flame of life.—Octavio Paz, The Double FlameParties in New York City are like anthropological field trips—you never know whom you’ll meet or what you’ll find. Recently I was milling around a self-consciously hip event, and, as is typical in this city of high achievers, before being asked my name I was asked what I do. I answered, “I’m a therapist, and I’m writing a book.” The handsome young man standing next to me was also working on a book. “What are you writing about?” I asked him. “Physics,” he answered. Politely, I mustered the next question, “What kind of physics?” I can’t remember what his answer was, because the conversation about physics ended abruptly when someone asked me, “And you? What’s your book about?” “Couples and eroticism,” I answered. Never was my Q rating as high—at parties, in cabs, at the nail salon, on airplanes, with teenagers, with my husband, you name it—as when I began writing a book about sex. I realize that there are certain topics that chase people away and others that act like magnets. People talk to me. Of course, that doesn’t mean they tell me the truth. If there’s one topic that invites concealment, it’s this one.”What about couples and eroticism?” someone asks.”I’m writing about the nature of sexual desire,” I reply. “I want to know if it’s possible to keep desire alive in a long-term relationship, to avoid its usual wear.””You don’t necessarily need love for sex, but you need sex in love,” says a man who’s been standing on the sidelines, still undecided about which conversation to join.”You focus mainly on married couples? Straight couples?” another asks. Read: is this book also about me? I reassure him, “I’m looking at myriad couples. Straight, gay, young, old, committed, and undecided.”I tell them I want to know how, or if, we can hold on to a sense of aliveness and excitement in our relationships. Is there something inherent in commitment that deadens desire? Can we ever maintain security without succumbing to monotony? I wonder if we can preserve a sense of the poetic, of what Octavio Paz calls the double flame of love and eroticism.I’ve had this conversation many times, and the comments I heard at this party were hardly novel.”Can’t be done.””Well, that’s the whole problem of monogamy, isn’t it?””That’s why I don’t commit. It has nothing to do with fear. I just hate boring sex.””Desire over time? What about desire for one night?””Relationships evolve. Passion turns into something else.””I gave up on passion when I had kids.””Look, there are men you sleep with and men you marry.”As often happens in a public discussion, the most complex issues tend to polarize in a flash, and nuance is replaced with caricature. Hence the division between the romantics and the realists. The romantics refuse a life without passion; they swear that they’ll never give up on true love. They are the perennial seekers, looking for the person with whom desire will never fizzle. Every time desire does wane, they conclude that love is gone. If eros is in decline, love must be on its deathbed. They mourn the loss of excitement and fear settling down.At the opposite extreme are the realists. They say that enduring love is more important than hot sex, and that passion makes people do stupid things. It’s dangerous, it creates havoc, and it’s a weak foundation for marriage. In the immortal words of Marge Simpson, “Passion is for teenagers and foreigners.” For the realists, maturity prevails. The initial excitement grows into something else—deep love, mutual respect, shared history, and companionship. Diminishing desire is inescapable. You are expected to tough it out and grow up.As the conversation unfolds, the two camps eye each other with a complex alloy of pity, tenderness, envy, exasperation, and outright scorn. But while they position themselves at opposite ends of the spectrum, both agree with the fundamental premise that passion cools over time.”Some of you resist the loss of intensity, some of you accept it, but all of you seem to believe that desire fades. What you disagree on is just how important the loss really is,” I comment. Romantics value intensity over stability. Realists value security over passion. But both are often disappointed, for few people can live happily at either extreme.Invariably, I’m asked if my book offers a solution. What can people do? Hidden behind this question looms a secret longing for the élan vital, the surge of erotic energy that marks our aliveness. Whatever safety and security people have persuaded themselves to settle for, they still very much want this force in their lives. So I’ve become acutely attuned to the moment when all these ruminations about the inevitable loss of passion turn into expressions of hope. The real questions are these: Can we have both love and desire in the same relationship over time? How? What exactly would that kind of relationship be?The Anchor and the Wave Call me an idealist, but I believe that love and desire are not mutually exclusive, they just don’t always take place at the same time. In fact, security and passion are two separate, fundamental human needs that spring from different motives and tend to pull us in different directions. In his book Can Love Last? the infinitely thoughtful psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell offers a framework for thinking about this conundrum. As he explains it, we all need security: permanence, reliability, stability, and continuity. These rooting, nesting instincts ground us in our human experience. But we also have a need for novelty and change, generative forces that give life fullness and vibrancy. Here risk and adventure loom large. We’re walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on one hand and thriving on diversity on the other.Continues…Excerpted from Mating in Captivityby Esther Perel Copyright ©2007 by Esther Perel. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. Read more <div id="

  • While I do recognize that Esther Perel is a famous therapist, the author backs up her hypothesis with her patients’ experiences and most of them are completely out of the ordinary. I will cite one single example of the many this book has. Certain men have difficulty expressing their interest and love to women (what a surprise), and this guy could not maintain relationships because of this until he found a japanese (or chinese woman). They fell in love and it worked out so well precisely because they could not talk. He did not speak japanese, the woman did no speak English in the beginning, so they were forced to show how much they loved each other without talking. While this is a very romantic story, honestly, how often is a regular person going to encounter a situation like this? What is the point in giving these kind of examples when most of the people are not going to experience something like that? When reading this book I felt as if I were reading advice from Cosmopolitan. Do not waste your money or time reading this book. It is not worth it.
  • I am a female and have been married for 18 years. This book was honestly disturbing. My interpretation of the entire book is to create uncertainty by acknowledging that your spouse could leave, allow them to flirt and been seen as sexual individuals outside of your marriage. It says things like make love to your partner as if they were someone you didn’t care about, dressing up as someone else and going to a bar to pretend, mentions that people have open marriages disconnecting love and sex making them 2 separate things, mentions fantasies. Most of the client examples are not the everyday struggles of marriage. No practical suggestions were given. Felt like this was a waste of my time time and money to read.
  • The book is based on a flawed model of relationships. She buys into the model the “love” is an elusive attraction that you feel towards an unknown stranger. She seems to be in the “love at first sight” camp. Perel is like that person who falls in love on vacations, and then settles down with the expectation that the rest of their live must feel like that vacation. She is treating symptoms rather than causes. It is almost comical to read the book. Not surprising her only qualifications seem to be two TED talks and having been on Oprah once. Stay away from this book.
  • Anyone who desires or is in a long-term relationship should read this. This book had me hooked, I whizzed through it in about 2 days. Hugely enlightening and puts words to something I’ve always noticed but could never quite put my finger on. The gist is that love demands closeness, but erotic desire needs space to thrive. For modern American couples, who often have their lives so intertwined, this can lead to problems. Perel explores this seeming contradiction and sheds light on how modern couples can become aware of this and mediate it. This book is packed with wisdom. Enlightening read!
  • A friend asked me why he found sex with his wife “routine”. He said he loved his wife and having sex with her still felt good, but he didn’t feel “turned on”. Instead, he found himself fantasizing about sex with other women. This book answers that question completely and helps one explore the contradictions and congruity of love and sexuality.
  • Got to this book late and am I glad for it. When it came out I was newly remarried and didn’t need and wouldn’t have heard the message. But seven years into a mid-life marriage I needed tips on answering Ester Perel’s Big Question (from her excellent TED Talk): Can you want what you already have? Her answer seemed to be as I read: Sure you can. But it’s work. And you better understand what’s going on first.Add to this that my whole arousal system of mind, body, soul and sex is older, as I’m in my mid 60s. Love what she said when asked how many times she’d been married: “Four. To the same man.” This woman and mom and wife and therapist and speaker of 6 languages not only reinvented herself to stay hot for her man but to stay interesting for her two teen children living with mom/dad as a foursome. Yes, sex as a family value. From Belgium and Israel, her husband and two kids live or lived together when she wrote this from their flat in NYC. It’s one thing to write how to stay hot for each other while married; it’s another to pull it off and then even be able to communicate the complex system that makes it possible.I gave one to a peer guy friend and one to my son. It’s that good and helpful. They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Don’t read this book too soon. Or too late either. But buy three copies and get ready. I say.
  • Fascinating and enlightening. This is one of those books that make you better, educated, happier, confident and much more if you read this with a very open mind. Perel offers great insight into human desire — for love, sex, connection, space — and how we tend to thwart the very intimacy we crave by applying judgement to our desires. I haven’t read a better reason to be hopeful that long term relationships can maintain, even increase, passion and desire than this.
  • I think there is tremendous value in Perelman’s insight that intimacy–marked by safety, closeness, and familiarity–and desire–marked by space, mystery, and risk-taking–are two distinct things. They not necessarily be opposed for many of us (thank God), but they are not the same, and need to be cultivated differently if we want to have a long term relationship marked by both loving security and erotic passion.
  • Gets to the heart of the matter in rather frank ways that some authors skirt around or dither about. There’s an age old clichés about marital problems occurring because of a lack of communication, and the basis of the book seems to be just that; problems occur because couples just don’t tell each other what’s really going on in their minds. This can be for all sorts of reasons – fear of criticism, fear of looking weird or stupid, protecting someone else’s feelings, presumption about what the other partner wants, or just plain lack of awareness.Perel shows that many of our hopes, fears, desires and fantasies are not that weird at all, in fact they’re more common than we realise and are mostly part of a normal, healthy mindset. Its just that we’ve been conditioned down certain routes and traditions of whats acceptable and what isn’t. So much so that we don’t always feel comfortable disclosing our needs and desires to even the closest person to us.In some of her many talks that appear on youtube, Perel often hints at questioning whether monogamy is for everyone or whether its realistic at all. In the book, in one of the later chapters, she spells out her view more clearly… that monogamy is just as much a choice as any lifestyle choices, and although it’s a model that fits many people, that it should not be regarded as the only way to be. She also points out the hypocrisy and changing definitions of monogamy (ie, one sexual partner for life). You could have two long term relationships, and consider yourself monogamous in both of them (!?), but as soon as you slept with the second partner, you were not monogamous!She gives lots of examples of couples who talked things over and thrashed things out under her guidance and with her insight, and in each case the couples eventually came good and made the adjustments needed for a more fulfilling sex life. My only criticism is that she never gives examples of when, having disclosed their innermost thoughts and secrets, the couple realise they are incompatible, not on the same wavelength and split up! Taking a risk and opening up to your partner can have wonderfully positive effects, but it could also be a deal-breaker, and Perel doesn’t seem to fully acknowledge this. It could be argued, though, that the risk of not communicating, putting your head in the sand and trying to maintain the status quo has its own unhappy consequences.Nevertheless, it is an honest, helpful and thought-provoking read for any couple in a long term relationship who have started to wonder where has all the magic gone and why is sex becoming a bit boring and predictable.
  • Takes her ages to get into the meat, the first chapter or two is just summarising what we all know, love is hard. But eventually she gets into case reviews which are super interesting and although really specific still weirdly universally applicable. I haven’t completely read a book in years and I smashed through this, it’s got highlights, notes and all sorts all over it now. Definitely a read to any one who cares about themselves and anyone else
  • This is a very feminine book in the way it deals with subject matter mostly through an emotional appeal through the authors own experience.I didn’t find there to be much reasoning behind it. And in fact because it focuses purely on sex, it made me wonder what some of the advice she gave would have on the relationship (I think in one case she advises the couple to basically only meet for sex!).And to be honest, I was reading it from the position of the ‘red pill’ lens anyway having read the inspirational books from Rollo Tomassi and it seems that this book does conform very much to views he puts forward in his books (basically maintaining frame and dominance). Given the author doesn’t really demonstrate any rationale or any overall guiding principles I’m not quite sure what this book has to offer besides a lascivious title!
  • I love the way Esther Perel thinks and talks about sex and relationships – forthright but generous, open-minded, realistic and practical but also often poetic. This is a thought-provoking book rather than a practical one – there aren’t bullet point lists, plans or outright ‘rules’, but it’ll make you consider your own relationships and habits, which is perhaps more meaningful in the long term. I listen to her podcast, Where Should We Begin?, so some of the content was a little familiar to me, but I enjoyed reading throughout.
  • I heard the author on radio 4 woman’s hour and liked the sound of her. The book considers sensuality, sexuality and self in relation to an other and has made me consider cultural norms in relation to being part of a couple in a committed relationship. Hugely interesting book.
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