The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert PDF AZW3 EPUB MOBI TXT Download

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Over a million copies sold! “An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent—and long-lasting—marriage.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else. Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Nan Silver
May 5, 2015
320 pages

File Size: 70 MB
Available File Formats: PDF AZW3 DOCX EPUB MOBI TXT or Kindle audiobook Audio CD(Several files can be converted to each other)
Language: English, Francais, Italiano, Espanol, Deutsch, chinese

“An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent — and long-lasting — marriage.”        — Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence”Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus.”– Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way”Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he’s got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic.”        — Newsweek”Twenty-five years of landmark marital research.”– USA Today”Offers something every relationship can benefit from.”– Seattle Post-Intelligencer”Astonishing new research!” — Woman’s World”Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!”– About the Author JOHN GOTTMAN, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, is emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington; executive director of his laboratory, the Relationship Research Institute; and cofounder of the Gottman Institute. He held an NIMH research scientist career award for twenty years. Dr. Gottman is the author of more than two hundred professional journal articles and forty-two books, as well as the recipient of numerous prestigious awards for his extensive contributions to marriage and family research.NAN SILVER is a former editor in chief of Health magazine and coauthor, with Dr. Gottman, of What Makes Love Last: and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter 1Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages It’s a surprisingly cloudless Seattle morning as newlyweds Mark and Janice Gordon sit down to breakfast. Outside the apartment’s picture window, the waters of Montlake cut a deep-blue swath, while runners jog and geese waddle along the lakeside park. Mark and Janice are enjoying the view as they munch on their French toast and share the Sunday paper. Later Mark will probably switch on the football game while Janice chats over the phone with her mom in St. Louis.        All seems ordinary enough inside this studio apartment–until you notice the three video cameras bolted to the wall, the microphones clipped talk-show style to Mark’s and Janice’s collars, and the Holter monitors strapped around their chests. Mark and Janice’s lovely studio with a view is really not their apartment at all. It’s a laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle, where for sixteen years I have spearheaded the most extensive and innovative research ever into marriage and divorce.        As part of one of these studies, Mark and Janice (as well as forty-nine other randomly selected couples) volunteered to stay overnight in our fabricated apartment, affectionately known as the Love Lab. Their instructions were to act as naturally as possible, despite my team of scientists observing them from behind the one-way kitchen mirror, the cameras recording their every word and facial expression, and the sensors tracking bodily signs of stress or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pound. (To preserve basic privacy, the couples were monitored only from nine a.m. to nine p.m. and never while in the bathroom.) The apartment comes equipped with a fold-out sofa, a working kitchen, a phone, TV, VCR, and CD player. Couples were told to bring their groceries, their newspapers, their laptops, needlepoint, hand weights, even their pets–whatever they would need to experience a typical weekend.        My goal has been nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage–to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad–or rescue one that already has?Predicting Divorce with 91 Percent AccuracyAfter years of research I can finally answer these questions. In fact, I am now able to predict whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way. I can make this prediction after listening to the couple interact in our Love Lab for as little as five minutes! My accuracy rate in these predictions averages 91 percent over three separate studies. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I have predicted that a couple’s marriage would eventually fail or succeed, time has proven me right. These predictions are not based on my intuition or preconceived notions of what marriage “should” be, but on the data I’ve accumulated over years of study.        At first you might be tempted to shrug off my research results as just another in a long line of newfangled theories. It’s certainly easy to be cynical when someone tells you they’ve figured out what really makes marriages last and can show you how to rescue or divorce-proof your own. Plenty of people consider themselves to be experts on marriage–and are more than happy to give you their opinion of how to form a more perfect union.        But that’s the key word–opinion. Before the breakthroughs my research provided, point of view was pretty much all that anyone trying to help couples had to go on. And that includes just about every qualified, talented, and well-trained marriage counselor out there. Usually a responsible therapist’s approach to helping couples is based on his or her professional training and experience, intuition, family history, perhaps even religious conviction. But the one thing it’s not based on is hard scientific evidence. Because until now there really hasn’t been any rigorous scientific data about why some marriages succeed and others flop.        For all of the attention my ability to predict divorce has earned me, the most rewarding findings to come out of my studies are the Seven Principles that will prevent a marriage from breaking up.Emotionally Intelligent MarriagesWhat can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just five minutes.Recently, emotional intelligence has become widely recognized as an important predictor of a child’s success later in life. The more in touch with emotions and the better able a child is to understand and get along with others, the sunnier that child’s future, whatever his or her academic IQ. The same is true for relationships between spouses. The more emotionally intelligent a couple–the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage–the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after. Just as parents can teach their children emotional intelligence, this is also a skill that a couple can be taught. As simple as it sounds, it can keep husband and wife on the positive side of the divorce odds.Why Save Your Marriage?Speaking of those odds, the divorce statistics remain dire. The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years. Some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers. The chance of getting divorced remains so high that it makes sense for all married couples–including those who are currently satisfied with their relationship–to put extra effort into their marriages to keep them strong. Read more <div id="

  • This book is incredibly anti male. You hear words like “male privilege” and discussions of husbands relenting their “power” to the wife. There is an entire section called “What husbands can learn from their wives. Yet not one section on what women can learn from their husbands. It implies that men are screwing up marriages across the country. I’ve never felt so emasculated after reading a book. This book had so much potential but between the “I’M THE BEST RESEARCHER EVER” author and the constant need for men to fix what they are doing wrong, it was tough to stomach. And this is the “Completely Revised and Updated” version. I don’t know if they made it harder on the male in the marriage but they sure didn’t make it easier. It has a very Social Justice Warrior feel to it with all of the buzzwords like “triggers and privilege. Men are sexual beings, and relationships revolve around love, communication and sex, and this book with 284 pages covers sex in 13 whole pages. Look, I’m not a male blowhard who is puffing out his chest. I’m reading books in order to make my marriage better. That should tell you enough right there. But if you are looking to feel terrible after reading a book that is supposed to help your marriage, then this is the book for you! This book now resides where it should have been after page 16; in the trash can.
  • Seeing a marriage counselor and he said he uses this book and its tenets all the time because it’s so effective, based on scientific research. I got one each for my husband and myself. We enjoyed doing the exercises at the end of Chapter 4. I read the hopeful parts of the book, the truly practical things couples do to improve and enrich their marriages and, thus, their lives.Sadly, then I read the chapter on “why couples don’t make it.” Shoot…they mostly apply to us. I analyze and nag too much, my husband is critical and snide all the time and we’ve let our friendship dwindle to low ebb. We’ve been married for over 2 decades and it’s hard to see us change enough and in enough time to avoid divorce. We’re both that miserable.The beauty of the book is that it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success and failure in marriage: literally, the author and all professionals who apply these principles can predict whether or not a couple will be able to resolve their conflicts successfully or not within a very short period of time based on how they treat each other. Certainly, the marriages that can seem destined to failed can be turned around if both spouses embrace the process and are willing to work on THEMSELVES and not so much try to “fix” their spouses. So clearly explained, all problems (and ALL marriages encounter problems…you newlyweds are kidding yourselves if you don’t believe this) can be divided into the Solvable and Unsolvable.Obviously, by definition, most Solvable Problems can be solved. And it doesn’t have to be that Unsolvable Problems lead inevitably to divorce. Sometimes the problem can’t be changed by either party such as one becoming ill with cancer or diabetes and the other can’t abide having a spouse who is ill. But even having a “mixed marriage” such as 2 conflicting religions can be worked out if they ignore their families’ and friends’ condemnation and agree to adhere to either or both religions–together or separately–and doing the same for children.Even couples who can’t agree on whether or not to have children or cannot procreate themselves to the sorrow of either or both spouses can be resolved well enough to stay together and be happy. If nothing else, Unsolvable Problems can make the marriage stronger if the parties turn to each other in love and for support instead of turning away from each other in anger or sorrow.It’s all a matter if you require to get your own way on every issue or allow yourself to build up ginormous resentment by always being the one who caves in to your spouse’s demands, supposedly just to keep the peace. That’s not a peaceful existence.Right now, I’m not sanguine that it’ll work but my husband and I will both give it the ol’ college try. I’ll keep you posted.
  • Honestly, I am stunned at this book after having read so many reviews raving about it. I knew I was in trouble when the author kept touting his research from his “love lab” where couples sign up to spend the night and “act normal” while being observed. It’s frankly laughable to call that science and to believe that your data is relevant…the very act of being observed is going to affect everything about how the couples respond. My other clue that his book wasn’t for me was the author’s insistence that all the other therapists are wrong who say you need to work on communication and address your deeper issues. According to this guy, all you need to do is read how “happy couples” act with each other, and copy their behavior. Not feeling it? It’s okay, fake it til you make it. Tell yourself you’re having these positive thoughts and feelings and eventually, they’ll actually happen legitimately. You don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to survive. Um, yeah, you do. This book will not resonate with the modern couple (unless you’re excited to learn all about your “emotional bank account” and enhancing your “love map”), it belongs in the 1950s. The chapter on Allowing Your Partner to influence you and the author’s explanation of gender roles was particularly cringeworthy. And having issues with sex? Don’t worry! Women…stop worrying about having an orgasm and appreciate all the other stuff that happens during sex. Redefine what you even call sex, think of ANY positive interaction you get from him during the day as sex. Now you’re satisfied!! Feel better?? It actually angers me all over again just writing this review. Allow me to share the secrets from this book: be nice to your partner and think nice thoughts about them regardless of your history and all will be well. Having trouble with your sex life, just lower your standards! Most of your marriage problems aren’t solvable, so don’t try. This book was a complete waste of time and overtly offensive.
  • I rush bought two copies of this, after my husband told me he’s no longer happy in our marriage, because a cursory search online showed it highly recommended. I got us notebooks and pens and put them on our nightstands, and tried my level best to get through it, but it just isn’t for me. I love taking questionnaires and answering surveys, but after the first couple I was questioning my answers’ correctness, or my own ability to gauge their correctness. I think I would have loved this book if we were newly married or just encountering our first ever difficulties together, or had been lucky enough to work with Dr Gottman when we were living in Seattle. But we’ve been together 18 years, and he subsequently admitted to having met someone else, at which point reading this got a thousand times more difficult for me, and he never even so much as cracked its cover. Even after starting marriage therapy, I still wasn’t able to get past the 2nd principle. And there are so many other great books that I am finding helpful and applicable (about divorce). So I guess I’ll put this one away until I’m ready to consider remarriage.
  • It’s good, but requires work to get the best out of it.Wish I had known some of this sooner.Certainly helped me get closer to wifey and identify things I do which really aren’t helpful to our marriage. Recommended by me.
  • I found the author based too much of his material around gender stereotypes (e.g. men don’t like to talk; women are more emotionally sensitive). My own relationship is inverted along many of these lines so I’m naturally more likely to pick this up, but it detracted from what was otherwise an informative and thought-provoking read.
  • I do not read books, my daughter who is eleven came into the room and saw me reading this book and burst out laughing because she’s never seen me read a book before! But I have to say I started it this evening and I haven’t put it down, I’m now on chapter five. I didn’t believe a book could relate to me, my husband and our marriage as this book has! I’m extremely surprised and pleased that I bought this book and would defiantly recommend it to anyone who’s marriage is just going through a tough time.
  • I would have preferred more actual advice with more in depth explanations.I don’t like how many quizzes there are, and feel that for the price of the book it could be longer. Some good tips to take from it, which I think deep down if you’ve got common sense you do know most of them anyway, but good to have some case studies of other couples to compare against.A summary of do’s and don’t’s at the back would be good, to save constant flicking back and referring to different sections of the book, just for quick refresher moments when you feel you need it when problems or arguments arise.I did like learning about the “horsemen” in a relationship and really will work on getting shot of some of these niggles coming up in our marriage.After 20 years together, we still love each other very much, and can’t bear the thought of having issues in our relationship with each other.For what it’s worth, before I read this book, we had agreed that to move forward we need to remember to treat each other like we treat our close friends. With respect, an empathetic ear, concern, love, loyalty and gratitude. We feel like lately we’ve taken it for granted the other one is just “there” and we aren’t as careful with our words and actions.Our plan was concreted in this book. It’s at least given me reassurance that we have been dealing with our issues in the right way.
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